I Don’t Know.

Three small words.These normally insignificant words can coax up so much anxiety and torment, a thing that causes shaking and a growing insecurity that gradually engulfs a person’s rationality and logic.

I don’t know.

They find their way into the cracks of our hands that we grasp so tightly, it unintentionally causes us to lie to ourselves. Thinking that we can somehow mysteriously avoid the suspenseful limbo of uncertainty or more colloquially called the “I don’t know” phase of stammered word cereal, dribbling down the chins of three-year-olds with rainbow spittle trailing. People still don’t seem to have it figured out and I wonder when they will.

It acts like a confusing, painful situation coaxing the person to comply with the human existential fears of life, death, relationships – all that jazz. Eventually causing people to feel lost; both in who we are and how we identify with things [inexhaustible list: people, culture, philosophical ideas of life, the media, sexuality, our thoughts, and respectively the differences in perspectives people have.]

Personally, the concept of not knowing something or having certainty in the future is both a terrifying  and slightly reassuring image (I know it contradicts) – one of exhilaration that what is to come is not set in stone and a deeply inset fear that will not subside.

This fear morphs individuals, it shrinks, grows, and changes: and the person will be better, worse or nullified by this effect. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.. [on and on and on it goes]. It turns into a cycle of worrying and anxiety and frustration, like the moment you’re waiting for something incredible to happen – a mark of inspiration but you’re left with a dirty shoe and a hairy gorilla for a muse. Except when you find that one thing, which may be small, it validates every insecurity and hopeless feeling that presses itself onto your shoulders, its indentations lift and in that moment you are free; the world keeps turning.

That is the moment we should actively seek; maybe it is hiding around the corner. Just make the effort to catch it.

– A.T


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