Forcing yourself to relive your mistakes is like asking yourself for pain. And if you cannot move on from your past or what was associated with your past it may haunt you until it starts to seep deep within who you are. Questioning every aspect of your values, your relationships, your motives, actions; everything that you essentially consider the essence of what makes up who you are.

This is something that I struggled with/something-that-I-still-do but aim to stick at the back of my mind until it bites me in the butt again. It hurts and it is painful. Now, you my dear reader must be thinking – What on Earth is this person talking about? Well, honestly, I don’t exactly know myself.

All I know at this point is that I feel old for my age, I cannot associate with my peers and I think I am having an existential crisis. That is all I know. I know that I have been fortunate to meet a person that has the same intellectual understanding and great deposit of importance in values and in each action they undertake, which for my age, seems to be a rare occurrence. I know that I have been fortune to be trained by an individual who cares and instills the same artistic integrity and influence in both their teaching and passion. That is what I know.

People say ‘you should see a psychologist’, but don’t think they can help me. And anyway, I wouldn’t trust them enough to make any progress toward my mental health. I just wish someone would understand. To have someone to openly understand that the fact you hold so tightly to your values that are reflected in your actions is not being an anal, uptight, serious individual, but personally contributing to their own understanding of their life and ensuring that their life has validity and meaning to them. That is what I wish others would understand, and the people I wish I could meet.

Just to let down barriers and discuss things without any satire or marginalisation of another’s view. I just wish I could talk to them again. Sigh. They made life feel right, against all immature, imposing remarks. I miss them.

I’m tired. Goodbye.

– A.T


2 thoughts on “Frustration.

  1. Feeling like you’re one of the few people with the courage of their convictions or one of few with any convictions at all?
    If its loneliness, is that the reason for it?


    1. No I don’t think that is it. I know that many people aim to live out their convictions, whilst having an understanding and awareness of their actions to others. Some people may consider many concepts and reasoning behind their actions before they decide things – even if they are small things, to ensure that they align with their values. And others may not see the need to think so deeply about such things (which is understandable).

      Loneliness isn’t an issue, but rather a lack of something. It’s something that I cannot fully explain. Something that when you talk to someone feels comfortable – for the lack of a better word. It is as though when you meet someone there is an intuitive understanding of your values, actions and further extended yourself. That seems to be a very rare thing, so far.
      Thank you for commenting, appreciate it.


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